I have honestly not been blogging for a number of reasons. One of them being a fun reason. I am launching a new website and blog this week and I was going to wait until I had a "new look" to blog all my new content.
My second reason is b/c every time I sit down to write to you all I get stumped. We are going through so many things that are hard right now that sometimes when I sit down to write I feel like I want to be so eloquent in my writing so I portray positivity, so that people see me strong. I feel like I have to make sure God is glorified through my every word and I always want to make sure people know I trust Him.
I feel also stumped b/c I want to feel understood and ultimately in life I feel alone right now.
I also constantly am comparing my life to others like Sarah's and other stories I have heard that are absolutely gut wrenching and then when I feel the need to talk about my hard situation I then quickly feel no right to act like I'm having a hard time with "my story".
Well tonight I am ignoring everything I just spoke about and I'm being COMPLETELY honest. I am not being positive tonight. I am being completely real with ya'll. Do I trust God? Duh! He is my rock and everything. But tonight I am struggling. Life is hard right now.
Sawyer was in the hospital a week ago for a few days for the 5th time. He is not even 4 yet and he has been in the hospital more than me and Andrew put together. He has had more IV's and more STRONG medicine than ALOT of adults. Is he worse off than cancer patients.. NO, Does he have a good life? yes. But the more we go on with his life the more we are realizing and seeing that he has it rough sometimes. He is allergic to so many things in our world that his triggers are so unpredictable.
One minute he is playing totally normal outside and the next minute he is blue in the face and vomiting from low oxygen. We have been told in the last 10 days that it would be best to keep him inside for the remainder of the spring season. That he needs to play inside, skip recess at school, stay away from his triggers as much as possible and lay low for the next few weeks. He has been on steroids too many times for a kid his age and his extreme asthma attacks are too scary to even speak of. We are so sick of being in the E.R. and hospital with him that all three of his doctors are starting to see that we need to play it safe for a while to see if it helps. We are going to get caught up with his two shots a week and see if it levels his allergies out. It's not just asthma that most of you think of, it's extreme and his lungs are so weak. His asthma attacks are tricky, stubborn and in two hours flat he can be extremely sick and critical.
I am so sick of seeing him suffer. So sick of seeing him get pricked. So sick of seeing him have to sit on the couch instead of run around with his friends. So sick of doctors appointments. So sick of being scared constantly about his breathing and what he is being exposed to in his environment.
He is so normal and has such joy and zest for life but sometimes I get angry that he is held back by this.
I also miss Sarah. She is there and she is coming back, but I miss the Sarah that I talked to every other day. I miss her. I am sick of the unknowns and constant hardship with that situation. Life is moving on and I am so proud of her and her progress but gosh I'm ready to hear her voice and for things there to level out in our family.
Life is moving fast and sometimes I feel like it's so out of control and hard that I have to remember to breath. God is definitely taking us on a journey and I know that everything is worked for good but sometimes I feel like it's healthy to be completely honest with our human emotions. Don't hold this post against me in three days people!
So many blogs can be so fake and sometimes I look back at my own blog posts and see how most of the time I only write on the upside of my grief. I look back and see how I post only on the moments in hardship that I see God working and write about what I'm learning through a hard situation... Tonight I'm not doing that. Tonight I'm just writing to be heard and to tell you that sometimes I think life is sucky. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't make sense. I know you hear me out there. I also know that some of you are going through horrible and hard situations. Don't feel bad for thinking it sucks sometimes. Let yourself be sad and be heard sometimes.
That is my "right now". More on the fun stuff tomorrow! Love ya'll!
So proud of this boy. This is from last week in the hospital. He is so strong even though his lungs are weak.