Wrestling

Back to life in Fayetteville has been amazing. I was welcomed home with 2 boys who were really excited to have me home (not to mention excited to have sis home), my friends had cleaned up my christmas decorations, cleaned my house, stocked my fridge and pantry. I've had bible study with some of my favorite girls, girls night to catch up with friends, had a fun date night with the husband and tried to relax at home as much as possible. Honestly it has been so healing and also so haunting to be home. I think my adrenaline came to a crashing hault yesterday and I settled into some of the realities that are going on. 
Yesterday when I got my 100th text about things going on in Austin and things going on with Sarah I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed with grief. I felt so far away from Sarah yesterday. When I was in Austin and could help with the kids and her house I felt like I was connected to her. I loved getting to see her when she was at the hospital in Austin. Even though I am not sure she is comprehending a ton it was still so sweet to spend time with her and watch her progress in person. It's been over a month since I've heard her voice and I am starting to ache without her. As I am part of the team making decisions to move on with her absence I am aching for her to tell us what SHE would want. I am aching for her to tell us her desires for the kids. Everyone is doing a great job and I am not worried about anything with the care of the kids but man I just miss her. She is the most amazing woman and mom and the weight of her absence is beyond huge. 

I have so much hope for her recovery but I think we are all starting to swallow that it may be a longer journey then we had hoped. I think I was thinking once she got to rehab she would miraculously start talking and walking sooner than later. That has not been the case and everyone involved remains hopeful for that day but there is still a heaviness to the situation. She is working so hard at rehab and our God is performing miracles left and right but my human flesh gets so impatient! My human flesh and voice sometimes gets out of line with the spirit and I ask questions like, "Why her?", "Why does she have to go through this?", "Why do these kids have to know about things and live through these things that are this hard?"
Then I read a quote like this in my James bible study and it reminds me of who God is in every trial.. 
" Here is the sobering truth about the nature of trials in the life of righteous persons, that God allows them to be tested in order to prove their faith... in some ways their endurace proves the Lords boast in them."- Kurt A. Richardson

He IS boasting through Sarah. He is proving HIS POWER and GRACE through Sarah. He is boasting through the community of believers that are going through this and being watched by thousands. God's glory is being shown even when the situation feels so heavy and dark at times. 

My faith is solid and my hope is secure in God but through this process I have questions. Sometimes I want to see into God's plan prematurely. 
 Isn't that just like us....We know the power in God's sovereignty but we still have the guts to question. I am so thankful for my God who let's us wrestle through the "Why" questions. I am thankful for a God who is holding us up through every wave of emotion through this process. I am thankful for a God who gives us endurance for suffering. 
Who am I to question? He has mercy and compassion in every situation and we are along for the ride to see His Glory revealed. 

"Brothers as an example of patience in the face of suffering take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know we consider blessed those who have persevered. you have heard of Job's perserverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." James 5:10-11

Sarah Henry you are ministering to all of us even though you can't speak yet. You are going to be stronger because of this, we are going to be stronger because of this and mostly your kids are going to be stronger because of this. 
Thank you for showing us what endurance looks like. God is working through you whether you know it or not!