Hi sweet friends! I am so thankful this Christmas day for our beloved Savior's birthday. I have never experienced the peace and meaning of Christmas quite like I have this year. I went and saw Sarah last night for a while after all of the kids were in bed and as I walked into the hospital and sat with my sister I was rushed with an overwhelming thankfulness for His birth. Thank you Jesus for coming and giving us hope in something more than this life here on earth. I have experienced the true taste of Christ this Christmas and for that I am beyond thankful.
I just got done talking with Andrew and we spent some time processing this day. We just talked, cried and laughed for over an hour and I feel so much more normal about my feelings. I have felt like a roller coaster of emotions today.
If you have read the caring bridge today you have found out that our beloved Sarah is not in a coma anymore. She opened her eyes and is squeezing our hands today. Praise God! But as I go to bed tonight I am rushed with sadness and fear. I am overwhelmed with grief tonight. Today I received a million texts and facebook messages about Sarah's progress today, I thank you for those sweet friends!
I agree today was a miracle and we are praising God for so many things tonight.. but tonight the fact and truth is.. all I feel is grief.
Today I spent christmas with the babies. They miss their mama, the need their mama. We talk about her and talk about her in hopes that she will be home in a few days, but quite honestly that is not the case at all. We know that these next months even years are completely unknown....
Will she talk again? Will she walk again? Will she be able to move both her arms? Will she know who her kids are completely? When will her kids get to see her? WIll they be okay? Will we move to Austin? Will Greg be okay? Will Sarah be okay if she can comprehend what is going on but won't be able to take care of her kids? Will Halle remember who the real Sarah is? How long will it take for her to come back?
The amount of questions going on in our family's brain is incomprehensible. We are lost and scared and relying on Christ for every breath. I love those babies so much and I keep putting my self in Sarah's position and my thought process about the future completely shifts. What would I want for my kids if this happened to me? It's too painful to even think about for too long.
Andrew put it perfectly for me tonight. He said.. "I see the glory and power of God tremendously but it's more in what God is doing through the people around us than in the miracles of these baby steps." He said that b/c the fact of the matter is, the steps that Sarah has taken in the last week have not brought these kid's mama home. These steps have not changed the fact that huge changes and steps will need to be figured out in the coming weeks for these kids. These steps have still not taken away the immense fear about the future that we all feel. These steps have not brought back the Sarah that I know (yet). For us the miracles have been seen in people changing all around us. The miracles are seen in God stirring in hearts of thousands. He has worked miracles in my marriage and in the way I mother my kids and my nieces and nephews. He is showing us miracles in reconciliation and peace with families.
But this fact remains and this is where I am totally honest with you tonight.. on this day of miracles and on this day when there were baby steps taken, our family is still beyond sad today. I am beyond sad about the fact that these three kids have to miss their mama and know about such things at this young age. I am sad that they didn't get to spend christmas with Sarah today. I am sad that the house is a wreck and the kids were fussy by 6:00 and that probably would not have happened if she was around. I am sad that they are scared and uneasy. I am sad because I miss Sarah beyond belief tonight. I need her laughter tonight after this many days with family ;). I am sad that she is not back completely yet.
I write this knowing that God is faithful to hear our prayers and our cries and I want you all to keep on your knees, crying out to God. I want Sarah to have a full normal life as a mom to these kids. I am still crying out to God for a full and complete recovery, despite the medical forecast. He has heard our cries so far and I know he is capable of showing His power through a full and complete recovery. I also know that He is capable of protection and provision far beyond what we could imagine for these kids. We are trusting in His promises and truths tonight even though we are sad and our flesh is scared.
I ask for you to pray for our stamina and hope in this situation as we are walking so close to this tragedy. We are all going to be here for her to see her come through this but this might be a long road. A lot of decisions to be made and these kid's deserve the very best. These kids and this family mean everything to me and the emotions that run through this is more than hearing pieces of good news in a waiting room or on facebook, these are the lives and souls of three kids that need their mama.
Keep praying friends, stay on your knees in desperation b/c the healing God is obviously hearing them! We want our spunky, sassy, beautiful Sarah back COMPLETELY!
Thank you for listening and I hope this gives insight to a family's perspective on a horrific situation. We do not belittle the miracles God is performing but I want to remain honest through this progression of events.
Merry Christmas to everyone! Breath in the hope and life of Christ tonight.